Solutions to your relationship problems:
How to improve your relationship with your step-children?

I often get this question asked to me by my readers or website's visitors:
« I'm genuinely fond of my partner's children and I really take care of them, giving them all the time they could need. But I cannot hide a certain feeling of jealousy when they are with us: my partner gives me the impression to forget us, - our child and I.
I feel as (s)he's neglecting us. This causes painful tensions between the two of us. »

This is quite understandable: step-children often are, against their will, a genuine problem.
You could think about, and act on three points :

1. Better communication with your partner: you should have long and serious conversations together about that delicate subject; so you could express your expectations and agree on mutual concessions.
Maybe you could even affectionately hold their hand, to help you keeping your calm...
You'll explain to your beloved your sorrow and your wish to see some change in their attitude towards you in presence of his/her own child(ren). (1)
Indeed, the enjoyment (s)he feels to see them again maybe prevents him/her to clearly realize the impression they're giving to you.
Moreover, I don't think you're really 'forgotten'! But, here we are: during a week (or a fortnight), you are everything for him/her; you got very normally used to be his/her only priority.

Then suddenly arrive "the others"! His/her happiness to see them again after this - always too long and painful - separation gives you the impression that there is nothing else important now for your beloved. This feeling you have can be understood; however, it's generally unfounded.
Besides this ordeal - the separation - your partner can in certain cases feel a certain sense of 'guilt': (s)he's not living with them any more to see them growing at their side...

Putting yourself in his/her place, in their shoes, you'll certainly understand this pain.
YES, this impression you get to be 'repelled' in the background is normal; and maybe it's the case in the beginning in most of the families who are living these separations. But this impression only suits in a very relative way the reality. In my eyes, it's rather resulting from a "projection" of your personal feelings in your mate's mind...
In other words, people don't always think what we believe they think! It's dangerous to think in their place: it's the best means to make wrong interpretations, - to believe that they have some ideas in mind... of which they had not even thought.

2. Is it really necessary to put yourself out for them? I don't think so. In a relax, natural way, try to participate to the family life, show them your friendly attention, but without "doing too much". Indeed, if afterwards you don't see any 'return' from their side and from your partner's, you'd suffer of it. However, nobody asked you so much.

3. It's also possible for your to join the activities of your partner and their own children: you'll then feel less left aside. Stay with them; show yourself tender with your soul-mate in front of the children; so they could see how much you love him/her, how much you're both smiling and happy.
This will help you to more easily stand the attention your beloved gives to his/her children: it's often easy to leave an ex- but it's normal to stay tenderly attached to one's own children. The attention given to them obviously is rather important: it only can be shown a few days per month!
Any sensitive Mom or Dad suffers to be separated from their kids. Each of them does their best to compensate when the children are coming. But their love for YOU is not at all put in question for that reason!

This point is essential to keep in mind: to be convinced of it will help you to improve your confidence in yourself as well in your soul-mate's love.
You're in love with her/him. Here is the main part.
Look for the precise origin of your pain. You'll conclude that your impression is coming from the fact that you'd like him/her to 'belong' entirely to you. Normal! But the feeling you keep for your kids is very strong too. :-)
By speaking together as I did suggest you, by explaining to her/him how much you'd like to see them tender with you too, in front of their own children, then you'll become more indulgent seeing the attention your partner gives to them; you'll think "I get him/her 26 or 27 days a month; the children only see him/her during two week-ends..."

4.Even if it seems difficult to you, try with perseverance to improve communication with you mate's children. You'll obviously not replace their other parent in their affection; however, with patience, indulgence, comprehension you could build an affectionate relationship with them, based on mutual respect.

With a touch of 'empathy', putting yourself in their place, you'll better understand what your partner goes through: to be separated from their child(ren) also is a painful sorrow. Every day. Did you think of it?

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(1) If the step-children are living with you, daily conversations with your partner are still more needed! Never let a conflict or a hurting situation destroy the atmosphere between the two of you: talk together and later, possibly in presence of the step-child(ren). Particularly when the concern is about some injustice or a lack of goodwill / respect. :-)

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